If you are a woman, this test will measure your dating market value. The higher the number, the more likely it is that you will one day find yourself in a long-term relationship with a man such as myself and my regular male commentators (although you should not expect men of our calibre to grant you any degree of fidelity or emotional security, or to buy you an engagement ring that costs more than ten dollars. This is the behaviour of beta losers.)
The lower the number, the more likely you will find yourself surrounded by cats, or that you will find yourself in a happy committed relationship with a pleasant respectful successful man significantly your junior, who treats you like a princess, rocks your world in bed and gives you everything you want. This is the fate of pathetic beta losers and tepid washed-up skanks who have to settle for what pitiful scraps they can get in the absence of alpha desire.
1. How old are you?
10 to 11 years old: +5 points
11 to 12 years old: +10 points
12 to 13 years old: +8 points
13 to 14 years old: +3 point
14 to 15 years old: 0 points
over 15: you’ve hit the wall. waysa?
2. How important is makeup to your appearance?
I wake up every morning with inch-long eyelashes, glossy pink lips, flawless golden skin and black-rimmed eyes. Like a badly photoshopped image on the cover of a tacky wank mag - +1 point
I wake up every morning with pale lips, undefined eyes and with minor irregularities in my skintone. Like an actual human female: -1 point
3. What is your IQ? (This relates tangentially to your ability to connect emotionally with an alpha male such as myself.)
Under 10: + 10 points
under 50: 0 points
over 50: -10 points
The following questions deal with the physical attractiveness of your body.
4. Your breasts are:
huge gravity defying perfectly symmetrical bronze-coloured beach balls, resembling a badly photoshopped image on the cover of a tacky wank mag: +1
possessing some degree of asymmetry or imperfection, resembling those of an actual human female: -1
6. How long are your legs in relation to your height?
Like those of an elongated giraffe and with strange wobbly edges where they’ve been badly blended in with the tropical beach backdrop in Photoshop: +1
short to average, accounting for no more than 60% of my total body size: -1
11. Where is there hair on your body?
Nowhere but on my head, where there’s a flowing mane of platinum-blonde extensions blowing in the wind – the outlines of which have a strange jagged shape as if I’ve been inexpertly cut out and pasted on a tropical beach background by an untalented designer in a hurry. It doesn’t grow anywhere else on my body because my skin has the weirdly unnatural plasticky texture of a barbie doll and a strange faintly radioactive orange glow, as if I’ve been really, really badly airbrushed for a tacky porno mag to a point that makes me look like a varnished alien: +1
Oh my god. I have these ugly unfeminine things called ‘follicles.’ On my arms and legs and everything. Shit: -1
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you look like a badly airbrushed image on the cover of a tacky porno mag?
0: don’t bothering finishing this test.
1 to 2: -10 points
3 to 4: -5 points
5: -1 point
6: +2 points
7: +5 points
8 to 9: +8 points
10: +12 points
The final eleven questions measure your femininity, sexiness, and pleasing personality traits. This is the closest to “game” that women have at their disposal. It isn’t much, which is why the scoring is lowest in this section.
24 – You always wear stockings, suspenders, PVC corsets, naughty nurse outfits, crotchless panties, cut-out-nipple bras and strap-on dildos. Even when you’re on your own relaxing at home.
Yes: +1 point
Special occasions only: 0 points
Never. Have you ever actually met any fucking women outside of your retarded porno mags?: -1 point
27. When a pathetic little middle-aged pasty-faced loser who lost his shitty low-paid middle-management public sector government-funded job for writing the most misogynistic, fucked-up, wife-beating, date-raping, paedo-loving shit on the internet sleazes up to you in a bar and starts leering down your top, you:
Smile and look at him: +1 point
Jump out of the window and start abseiling down the wall: 0 points
Tell him he looks like a cross between Louis Theroux’s nerdier kid brother and something pale and clammy that lives undereath a rock: -1 point
29. You are about to have sex with him, I mean me, I mean a guy for the first time. He undresses and his penis is barely visible to the naked eye. Do you:
Tell him how great his cock looks and feels?: +1 point
Say nothing: 0 points
Look surprised and stifle a laugh: -1 point
-83: You are proof that god does not exist, but that satan does.
-82 to -56: You’re an omega. If it makes you feel better you will have your choice of male omegas to bang. You know, the sort of pathetic unemployed loser who spends all his spare time writing a blog for woman-hating freaks, and still spends every night trolling meat market bars for barely legal girls who laugh at his saggy 45 year old ass the second it’s out of earshot. Yeah, you can probably get sad old fucks like that.
-19 to -5: Lesser beta. The men you really want like me and my friends make fun of you. You spend many years learning how to settle for mediocre betas, like CEOs and corporate lawyers and plastic surgeons. Tragic really.
-4 to 14: Classic beta. Your hot friends always gets hit on first, but if you really tramp it up you can snag a slightly better than average guy to take you home for a single night of commitment. Maybe someone who dresses like an emo student, or someone who never takes you out on dates, or someone who honestly expects you to orgasm when I, I mean he, sticks his microscopic dick up her ass. If you’re lucky.
30 to 43: You are officially a nascent alpha female. A lot of quality guys will hit on you and you will be able to pick and choose at your leisure. But don’t push it. You’re not quite hot enough to string guys like me along forever. Especially if you don’t have airbrushed skin the colour of a radioactive tangerine.
44 to 55: You’re a bona fide hottie. Rejoice. One day, you may have the opportunity to marry a true alpha male like me.