Chicks Dig Jerks

As we all know, quality – for which, read ‘hot’ – chicks dig shady, violence-prone men, including serial killers.

The kind of thugs these women are fucking are bigger alphas than CEOs who work hard all day managing billion dollar companies only to come home to fat, frumpy wives well past their prime.

Don’t believe me that the most fucked-up, sadistic, stone-cold killers on earth have their pick of the chicks? Meet one of the few solid 10s I’ve ever seen in my life – Mrs Primrose Shipman. 

 This is the kind of woman men lie awake dreaming of. The nondescript-looking Harold Shipman could not have imagined playing in this league without being Britain’s most prolific serial killer in history.

Or take the 8.5 that is Rosemary West:

With anyone other than Fred West, a woman with as many sexual options and high market value as this eminently fuckable young babe would have hopped straight back on the cock carousel. Yet Fred’s hitch-hiker-murdering, daughter-killing asshole game kept Rosemary West coming back for more – and even talked her into becoming his accomplice. Now that’s Game.

One look at the photo above, and you know that Myra Hindley was courted by the biggest names of the Seventies. This is a woman who could have had her pick of rock stars and millionaires. Yet aged 17 – at her prime sexual market value – she ignored all her lesser beta suitors for the ultimate bad boy, Marquis-de-Sade reading, philosophy-quoting child-murdering legend Ian Brady.  Moral of the story: if you want a women in this league,  kill a few five year olds.  Gets those gina tingles working like nothing else on earth. 

Oh and meet Tracey Connolly.  This classy young lissom Brit hottie could have had her pick of beta investment bankers and software billionaires – but like all women in her physical league, she was irresistibly drawn to the charms of alpha unemployed trailer-trash sadists. When it comes to the definitive 9s and 10s like Connolly,  look at what they do, not what they say. They say they want romance and roses. They actually want a semi-literate psychopath called Steven Barker who skins frogs alive and tortures their infant son Baby P to death.

Austrian superstar Josef Fritzl is the ultimate alpha male, scoring ace-high on the dark Triad of Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy  – everything that the hottest and more desirable women want. And fucking a secret harem of other women young enough to be his daughters. Even better, they were his daughters. So it’s no wonder that his wife was at a level of desirability that the closet-beta try-hard white knights like Donald Trump can only dream of.  Step forward Aryan bombshell Rosemarie Fritzl.

Look upon this image, betas and weep.

Take my advice about the ugly reality of female desire, and you too could get a Myra Hindley of your very own.

Christ knows, she’s hotter than anyone I’ve ever dated.

Here is a system for determining your dating market value if you are a man. Dating market value is a measurement of how you stack up against other men in the competition for attracting female interest. Be honest with yourself taking this survey. It will give you a fairly accurate assessment of the quality and number of women you are capable of attracting for a sexual relationship. And whether you, like me, can ever qualify as a true alpha male.

1. How old do you always lie about being when a woman approximately thirty years your junior asks you your age suspiciously as you sleaze up to her in a shitty meat market bar?

under 25 years old: 0 points

26-34 years old: +1 point

35-45 years old: 0 points

45+ years old: -1 point

2. How tall do you lie about being when attempting to hook up with random skanks on Craigslist?

under 5’9″: -1 point

5’9″ to 5’11″: 0 points

6′ to 6’4″: +1 point

over 6’4″: 0 points

3. How much money do you lie about making?

under $40K: -1 point

$40K to $70K : 0 points

$70K to $200K: +1 point

A billion squillion bajillion umptillion dollars. And I live in a mansion made of solid gold: + 3 points  

Do you lie about having a car?

No (under 21yo): 0 points

No (over 21yo): -1 point

Yes (under 21yo): +1 point

Yes (over 21yo): 0 points

No, but you lie about having a motorcycle (age irrelevant): +1 point

5. Have you ever lied about playing a leading role in a team sport?

No: 0 points

Yes: +1 point

6. What occupation do you lie about having in sleazy meat market bars, assuming you have learned that ‘unemployed keyboard jockey and Charlie Manson of the blogosphere’ doesn’t go down too well with the barely legal hotties?

(Since I won’t list every single high status fictional job in the Department of Labor’s Fictional Occupational Handbook, you’ll have to make a judgment call on your own fictional job. It’s a safe assumption that most people know a high status fictional job when they see it.)

High status (Emperor of the Galaxy, Minister for Magic etc): +1 point

Neutral status (Jedi knight, Departmental Head of Muggle Studies etc): 0 points

Low status (unicorn trainer, lightsaber repair man, unemployed keyboard jockey and Charlie Manson of the blogosphere, etc.): -1 point

6. How many terrifyingly disturbed yet hauntingly pathetic borderline-autistic one-man freakshows hang on your every twisted word despite the fact they’ve never met you in real life and would be horribly disappointed if they ever did?

0 to 3: -1 point

4 to 20: 0 points

over 20: +1 point

7. How many readers do you have who are likely to find future fame as the next Ted Bundy?

0 to 20: 0 points

over 20: -1 point

8. Have people besides your family called you ‘a really shitty photocopy of a really shitty photocopy of Frank ‘TJ’ Mackey in the movie Magnolia’?

None: -1 point

A few have: 0 points

Nearly everyone who knows me: +1 point


It’s best to answer the following four questions based on your past experience with similar scenarios. Who we really are is not what we wish we were but what we have always been.

19. You are on a first date with a girl. You go to kiss her. She jumps up from her seat and says ‘sorry but you’re really fucking creepy, I’m going home. Please don’t call me again.’ Upon getting home and jacking off, you write a new post telling your breathtakingly gullible fanboys that she:

(A) Sucked your dick

(B) Begged you to fuck her up the ass

(C) Stalked you for five months with tear-filled phone calls and pleas for a second date

If you answered (A), subtract a point. If (B), no points. If (C), add a point.

You’re chatting up a pretty girl you just met in a bar. After a few minutes she jumps up from her seat and runs screaming ‘RESCUE ME!’ out into the road, where she’s hit by a passing truck. Upon getting home and jacking off, you write a new post telling your breathtakingly gullible fanboys that she:

(A) Sucked your dick

(B) Begged you to fuck her up the ass

(C) Dragged you home and begged you to rape her, choke her, slap her, fuck her up the ass etc etc on the Chippendale four poster bed that her beta schmuck boyfriend bought her. While laughing about what a pathetic dork he was and begging you not to leave her because you’re such a true alpha male and everything she dreams of. And then she begged you to fuck her up the ass again. And she was a solid 9. For real.

If you answered (A), subtract a point. If (B), no points. If (C), add a point.

You’ve just met a cute girl in a club and have been talking with her for five minutes when she abruptly says ‘sorry, you’re like thirty years too old for me. Stop leering down my top or I’ll call security and get your ass thrown out. ‘ Upon getting home and jacking off, you write a new post telling your breathtakingly gullible fanboys that she:

(A) Sucked your dick

(B) Begged you to fuck her up the ass 

(C) Stole the used condoms out of your waste bin while she was leaving your apartment, in order to harvest your alpha male sperm and create an alpha male race of alpha male ubermenschen. And she was a model. And Russian.

If you answered (A), subtract a point. If (B), no points. If (C), add a point.

SCORES There are 26 points to earn or lose based on the questions asked. The scoring breaks down as follows:

-26: Pathetic. Why are you still alive?

-9 to 0: Lesser beta. You don’t immediately disgust girls; they just don’t notice you. With much painful effort you can redeem yourself into something that’s almost as cool and effortlessly alpha as some of my readers.

1 to 9: Classic beta. You catch some girls’ eyes, usually the ones over 13 years old and over 75 pounds in weight. Try not to make geriatric and fatty fucking a lifestyle.

26: Super Alpha. One day, you may be as good a liar as me.

If you are a woman, this test will measure your dating market value.  The higher the number, the more likely it is that you will one day find yourself in a long-term relationship with a man such as myself and my regular male commentators (although you should not expect men of our calibre to grant you any degree of fidelity or emotional security, or to buy you an engagement ring that costs more than ten dollars. This is the behaviour of beta losers.)  

The lower the number, the more likely you will find yourself surrounded by cats, or that you will find yourself in a happy committed relationship with a pleasant respectful successful man significantly your junior, who treats you like a princess, rocks your world in bed and gives you everything you want. This is the fate of pathetic beta losers and tepid washed-up skanks who have to settle for what pitiful scraps they can get in the absence of alpha desire.   

1.  How old are you?

10 to 11 years old:  +5 points
11 to 12 years old:  +10 points
12 to 13 years old:  +8 points
13 to 14 years old:  +3 point

14 to 15 years old:  0 points

over 15:  you’ve hit the wall.  waysa?


2.  How important is makeup to your appearance?

 I wake up every morning with inch-long eyelashes, glossy pink lips, flawless golden skin and black-rimmed eyes. Like a badly photoshopped image on the cover of a tacky wank mag – +1 point 

I wake up every morning with pale lips, undefined eyes and with minor irregularities in my skintone. Like an actual human female: -1 point


3.  What is your IQ?  (This relates tangentially to your ability to connect emotionally with an alpha male such as myself.)

Under 10:  + 10 points
under 50:  0 points

over 50: -10 points

The following questions deal with the physical attractiveness of your body.

4.  Your breasts are:

huge gravity defying perfectly symmetrical bronze-coloured beach balls, resembling a badly photoshopped image on the cover of a tacky wank mag: +1  

possessing some degree of asymmetry or imperfection, resembling those of an actual human female: -1  

6.  How long are your legs in relation to your height?

Like those of an elongated giraffe and with strange wobbly edges where they’ve been badly blended in with the tropical beach backdrop in Photoshop: +1

short to average, accounting for no more than 60% of my total body size: -1

11.  Where is there hair on your body?

Nowhere but on my head, where there’s a flowing mane of platinum-blonde extensions blowing in the wind – the outlines of which have a strange jagged shape as if I’ve been inexpertly cut out and pasted on a tropical beach background by an untalented designer in a hurry. It doesn’t grow anywhere else on my body because my skin has the weirdly unnatural plasticky texture of a barbie doll and a strange faintly radioactive orange glow, as if I’ve been really, really badly airbrushed for a tacky porno mag to a point that makes me look like a varnished alien: +1  

Oh my god. I have these ugly unfeminine things called ‘follicles.’ On my arms and legs and everything. Shit: -1

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you look like a badly airbrushed image on the cover of a tacky porno mag? 

0:  don’t bothering finishing this test.
1 to 2:  -10 points
3 to 4:  -5 points
5:  -1 point
6:  +2 points
7:  +5 points
8 to 9:  +8 points
10:  +12 points

The final eleven questions measure your femininity, sexiness, and pleasing personality traits.  This is the closest to “game” that women have at their disposal.  It isn’t much, which is why the scoring is lowest in this section.

24 – You always wear stockings, suspenders, PVC corsets, naughty nurse outfits, crotchless panties, cut-out-nipple bras and strap-on dildos. Even when you’re on your own relaxing at home.  

Yes:  +1 point
Special occasions only:  0 points
Never.  Have you ever actually met any fucking women outside of your retarded porno mags?:  -1 point

27.  When a pathetic little middle-aged pasty-faced loser who lost his shitty low-paid middle-management public sector government-funded job for writing the most misogynistic, fucked-up, wife-beating, date-raping, paedo-loving shit on the internet sleazes up to you in a bar and starts leering down your top, you:

Smile and look at him:  +1 point
Jump out of the window and start abseiling down the wall:  0 points
Tell him he looks like a cross between Louis Theroux’s nerdier kid brother and something pale and clammy that lives undereath a rock:  -1 point

29.  You are about to have sex with him, I mean me, I mean a guy for the first time.  He undresses and his penis is barely visible to the naked eye. Do you:

Tell him how great his cock looks and feels?:  +1 point
Say nothing:  0 points
Look surprised and stifle a laugh:  -1 point


-83:  You are proof that god does not exist, but that satan does.

-82 to -56:  You’re an omega.  If it makes you feel better you will have your choice of male omegas to bang. You know, the sort of pathetic unemployed loser who spends all his spare time writing a blog for woman-hating freaks, and still spends every night trolling meat market bars for barely legal girls who laugh at his saggy 45 year old ass the second it’s out of earshot. Yeah, you can probably get sad old fucks like that.   

-19 to -5:  Lesser beta.  The men you really want like me and my friends make fun of you.  You spend many years learning how to settle for mediocre betas, like CEOs and corporate lawyers and plastic surgeons. Tragic really.

-4 to 14:  Classic beta.  Your hot friends always gets hit on first, but if you really tramp it up you can snag a slightly better than average guy to take you home for a single night of commitment. Maybe someone who dresses like an emo student, or someone who never takes you out on dates, or someone who honestly expects you to orgasm when I, I mean he, sticks his microscopic dick up her ass.  If you’re lucky.

30 to 43:  You are officially a nascent alpha female.  A lot of quality guys will hit on you and you will be able to pick and choose at your leisure.  But don’t push it.  You’re not quite hot enough to string guys like me along forever. Especially if you don’t have airbrushed skin the colour of a radioactive tangerine.

44 to 55:  You’re a bona fide hottie. Rejoice. One day, you may have the opportunity to marry a true alpha male like me.

Heady Pettiness

I was with a girl browsing Facebook. Technically, she was browsing and I was providing color commentary. A man must learn to amuse himself to pull through these dreaded moments. In the middle of a well-delivered quip, I noticed that one of her friends had updated her profile. I realised that the friend in question was one of my exes, who attended the same junior high school as the girl I was with. A closer glance confirmed for me it was her.
I looked more closely. The three years since we’d been dating were not kind to her. Her body was still great, with no hint of repulsive adult breasts to disfigure her lithe now-fourteen-year-old form, but her face looked drawn, eyes sad. And was that an incipient hint of braces?
When I dated her she was a solid 8, and sexy as hell. Now? A 7. Barely. In just three years she dropped a full point. I wondered if she had gone through her puberty in the time since I’d known her, which would explain a lot. Her most recent update said that she was online alone, at a time when most junior high school girls are browsing their facebook pages with their partners.
My time spent with her had been good. I held no ill will toward her. We departed not as exes, but as former lovers, blessedly free of bitterness or rancor. And yet, when I saw my ex there on Facebook, and mentally noted that the girl I was with was better looking than her, a sadistic urge to flaunt my latest lover and parade her like a trophy float overcame me.
I told my girl about my ex being alone on Facebook, and how I wanted her to know we were both online together. I also told her she was hotter than my ex. Immediately, her eyes lit up with conspiratorial glee and she offered a strategy
‘Let’s post loads of anonymous messages on her wall saying she’s a fat munter and I’m way prettier than her and she’s got no mates! Yay!’
God bless the high quality young women that alpha males like myself have access to. Just when you are about to resign yourself to the thought that they are made of nothing but sugar and spice and school suspensions and incipient drug addictions and abusive stepfathers and self-mutilation scars and yeast infections, you are reminded of the arsenic laced within
Sitting in the lavish environs of my parents’ basement, we posted anonymous abuse on her wall like cruel gods for the next seven hours of the evening. Sadistically tearing apart her fragile self-esteem with incisive alpha male comments like ‘ur ugly!’ and ‘ur ex sez his new girlf Tiffiani is WAY hotta than u!!’ and ‘NO MATES!!!!!’  I pondered for a second why I relished the thought of tormenting a sad, possibly single fourteen year old girl for whom I had nothing but warm feelings. I guess it just feels too good for a man of the world who’s as darkly socially adept and sought-after as yours truly.
The dark sexual thrill of our mutual cruelty drew us together in a dark lustful frenzy of pitch-black sexuality. Sadly, then my girl had to go home before the people at the children’s home noticed she was missing.
Ah, the coldly sadistic jaded delights of the true alpha male.
I can’t think of a better way to spend my 45th birthday.

12 vs 22

I can draw a precise comparison of the sex appeal in the bedroom between a 22 year old woman and a 12 year old woman because I’ve had the opportunity to sleep with both within two weeks of each other. This means my memory of how they compare is strong. The average guy who has moved onto banging 22+ year old women has not slept with a 12 year old since his halcyon days as a primary school janitor and his subsequent prison sentence, and so won’t remember in lucid detail just how much better a younger girl’s body looks and feels naked.
This is why you should always take older men’s opinions of the sexual appeal of older women with a grain of salt; they have weaker memories of the superiority of their long-ago conquests, and their fragile egos oblige them to proclaim endless paeans to the wonders of the older woman.
Following is a side-by-side comparison of sex between a 22 year old woman and a 12 year old woman. Any differences between the two are age-related only, as neither one exercised regularly and both looked attractive fully clothed.
12 year old
Visual – When she took off her clothes my hard on got harder. There is nothing like a flawless woman’s body. No creases, no wrinkles, no ugly pendulous breasts or adult pubic hair. All the curves flowed gracefully without interruption by pockets of fat or disgusting cellulite or vile, stinking female adult secondary sexual characteristics. The area where the ass cheeks meet the back of the legs – usually the first place to betray the droopiness of post-puberty aging – was smooth. I wanted to stare at her naked body all day long.
Feel – Despite never having lifted a weight in her life, her flesh was firm, resilient, and supple. Her muscle tone was taut and gravity-defying. Her perfectly flat chest possessed the springiness of a marine’s cot. My hard on felt like it was bursting out of its skin wrapper.
Smell – A young woman is drenched in estrogen and these vapors send waves of pleasure through the male brain as they are inhaled. Guys will know what I’m talking about when I describe the sensation of hanging round a primary school playground and surreptitiously sniffing the young hotties as they come out of recorder practise. The smell of youthful femininity – Hubba Bubba chewing gum, Matey bubble bath, HB pencils and nit shampoo – is more intoxicating than the sweetest rose.
22 year old
Visual – When she took off her clothes the best I could muster was a chubby. It’s not that she was fat; in fact, she was the same weight and height of the 12 year old. The devil is in the details. The subtle age-related flaws in her body combined to produce an overall effect of fading femininity. There were creases and dimples and breasts and pubic hair and all the disgusting detritus of aged femininity. Her labia were fully developed and had acquired an ugly purple tinge as their impeccable youth faded. Her clitoris was visible. Her nipples were disgustingly erect and adult-sized. Unlike the 12 year old, I could not get hard just looking at this woman. Sneaking off to the bathroom to look at some kiddy porn helped.
Feel – One word: squishy. If I had tried to bounce a quarter off this woman’s body, it would have sunk into her spongy flesh. There is nothing more… deflating… than squeezing a woman’s chest only to pull away with an actual yielding disgusting stinking grown-up woman’s breast in your hand. Even her pussy looked older, and her sweat had an actual odor that told me her puberty had long been and gone. I was so disgusted I almost threw up.
Smell – Whatever alluring scent a young women has is gone by the time she hits the date of her first period, to be replaced by some rather astringent odors. The faint whiff of nit shampoo and Mr Matey bubble bath is missing from the older woman’s skin.
Experience – There can be such a thing as too much experience. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than a woman giving you directions in bed on how to please her sexually. She will say things like ‘Christ, that’s tiny’, ‘I didn’t know men had clitori,’ ‘of course I can’t come from anal sex, have you ever met any fucking women outside your retarded porn movies?’ ‘you really are a pathetic middle-aged loser’ and ‘that was shit, I’m calling a taxi.’ Charmless, ugly and vile. 
Advice from my heart
To all 13+ year old women – If you want to stay in the game and compete with the younger competition, tape down your breasts, shave off your pubic hair and draw on freckles with a pencil crayon. This will give you a fighting chance against out-of-shape 12 year olds, and enable you to attract desirable and sexually adept alpha males such as myself.
Moral of this post:
What a horrible cruel joke of the universe is the brief window of a woman’s beauty – existing solely from the ages of 7-13, and sometimes gone long before that. Proof, as if any was needed, that God does not exist.
The scene – you’re waiting to meet a girl for a first date in a coffee shop. Then she texts you to say she’s stuck in traffic and will be about five minutes late. She ends her text with a cursory ‘sorry!’ and a patronising kiss on the end.
How do you react?
Make no mistake, this is feminine shit testing at its finest. That ‘sorry’ and that kiss are the textual version of a patronising and maternal pat on the head – intended to neutralise and asexualise your superior masculine energy, and reduce you to the cringing, obedient beta-boy bitch she secretly believes you to be.
The clear course of action for the practiced and ruthless seducer is to immediately demonstrate your higher value via an unspoken but nuclear neg.  
When she walks in, make sure she sees you giving the hotter and younger barista your phone number and pinching her ass. Then feign unawareness that she’s there at all, and head for the door.
When stopped and challenged from the depths of her newfound and richly earned bewilderment, humiliation and shame, say casually,
‘My ex – you know, the one I mentioned who’s a lingerie model – just invivted me to a party at the Playboy mansion. I’ll call you some time.’
Always remember, true alphas never apologise. Under any circumstances whatsoever. You’re the prize. It’s her job to win you.
Then walk away from her without a backward glance.
Your newly broken victim will chase you with the desperation of a lost and bewildered puppy. I guarantee you that you will be receiving phone calls from her, confused and humbled, until you deign to honour her with the pleasure of your mighty cock.
If she doesn’t react like this and you never hear from her again, she wasn’t a true woman. just a FUCKING BITCH. LIKE ALL THE REST OF THEM. THEY NEVER FUCKING CALL ME BACK THE WHORE CUNT PIGS. Forget her. Move on.
From photographs that readers have submitted this month, I present this pitiful shower of abject betatude to offend the coolly amused eyes of the true alpha male.
This man’s body language is the disilled quintessence of powerless try hard 
schlumpy beta. I would also like to point out that the plain-faced piggy-eyed 
skank radiating contempt and indifference by his side is clearly over 40. As this sad anonymous little beta-male wormboy contenting himself with the dregs of 
aged and dessicated gina will never realise, no true alpha male will ever be seen in the company of a woman over 25. Sir, I regret to inform you that you have failed in life.
Yet another submissive-beta-bitch posture, yet another ugly middle-aged skank. 
I’m tempted to respond with sympathetic words of advice, yet the sight of this pathetic specimen of herbdom inspires nothing but sadistic glee. If my life ever got this pitiful, I’d slash my wrists.
What sort of cringing beta loser carries children in a public place? The same sort of cringing beta loser who’s seen out in a public place with this saggy old bedraggled pussy, worshipping at the floor-length dangle of her worn-out middle-aged labia. Students of Game, heed my words. If you can’t do better than this washed-up skank, there is no hope for you.
Regard Rhett Butler’s repulsively needy hand on his girlfriend’s back, a gesture that veritably reeks of beta. This is a man who could be standing in a bar gaming teenage blonde strippers every night of his life. Instead of which, he’s looking like an androgynous little bitch embracing this nondescript middle-aged 6.5 shrew. You, sir, redefine the very concept of wasted potential.
Follow my advice, gentlemen, and you will never be tempted to mimic these tragic specimens. Truly, this is an awesome smorgasboard of sexual fail.