I was with a girl browsing Facebook. Technically, she was browsing and I was providing color commentary. A man must learn to amuse himself to pull through these dreaded moments. In the middle of a well-delivered quip, I noticed that one of her friends had updated her profile. I realised that the friend in question was one of my exes, who attended the same junior high school as the girl I was with. A closer glance confirmed for me it was her.
I looked more closely. The three years since we’d been dating were not kind to her. Her body was still great, with no hint of repulsive adult breasts to disfigure her lithe now-fourteen-year-old form, but her face looked drawn, eyes sad. And was that an incipient hint of braces?
When I dated her she was a solid 8, and sexy as hell. Now? A 7. Barely. In just three years she dropped a full point. I wondered if she had gone through her puberty in the time since I’d known her, which would explain a lot. Her most recent update said that she was online alone, at a time when most junior high school girls are browsing their facebook pages with their partners.
My time spent with her had been good. I held no ill will toward her. We departed not as exes, but as former lovers, blessedly free of bitterness or rancor. And yet, when I saw my ex there on Facebook, and mentally noted that the girl I was with was better looking than her, a sadistic urge to flaunt my latest lover and parade her like a trophy float overcame me.
I told my girl about my ex being alone on Facebook, and how I wanted her to know we were both online together. I also told her she was hotter than my ex. Immediately, her eyes lit up with conspiratorial glee and she offered a strategy
‘Let’s post loads of anonymous messages on her wall saying she’s a fat munter and I’m way prettier than her and she’s got no mates! Yay!’
God bless the high quality young women that alpha males like myself have access to. Just when you are about to resign yourself to the thought that they are made of nothing but sugar and spice and school suspensions and incipient drug addictions and abusive stepfathers and self-mutilation scars and yeast infections, you are reminded of the arsenic laced within
Sitting in the lavish environs of my parents’ basement, we posted anonymous abuse on her wall like cruel gods for the next seven hours of the evening. Sadistically tearing apart her fragile self-esteem with incisive alpha male comments like ‘ur ugly!’ and ‘ur ex sez his new girlf Tiffiani is WAY hotta than u!!’ and ‘NO MATES!!!!!’ I pondered for a second why I relished the thought of tormenting a sad, possibly single fourteen year old girl for whom I had nothing but warm feelings. I guess it just feels too good for a man of the world who’s as darkly socially adept and sought-after as yours truly.
The dark sexual thrill of our mutual cruelty drew us together in a dark lustful frenzy of pitch-black sexuality. Sadly, then my girl had to go home before the people at the children’s home noticed she was missing.
Ah, the coldly sadistic jaded delights of the true alpha male.
I can’t think of a better way to spend my 45th birthday.